My fault, my own fault, my own most grievious fault
by MilliniumLint
Summary: Max s death hit jace hard. He believes it is his fault and he should suffer. To cope with Max s death Jace stops eating and cuts himself. Clary and the others grow worried. Can they help him heal? Also clary and jace know they are not brother and sister.
1. Chapter 1:myfault

**Chapter 1: My Fault**

**All characters belong to Cassandra Clare.**

**Jace`s POV**

I buried his face in my hands. I hate crying. Valentine would have smacked me if he had seen me like this. I just couldn`t stop thinking about Max. If only I had killed Sebastian before he got to my little brother. I feel so stupid. I`d never liked Sebastian much, but I should have known. And now Max is gone. And it should have been me. I should have suffered, not innocent little Max. But I could. I pulled out one of my daggers and made a small cut on my forearm. Pain had never felt so good.

**Please review. I promise the next one will be longer.**


	2. Chapter 2: izzyscooking

**Chapter 2: Isabelle`s Cooking Cheers Nobody Up**

**Sorry for the wait! Thanks for the reviews! All characters belong to Cassandra Clare.**

**Isabelle`s POV**

I flipped the bacon and raspberry pancakes as Jace came in. I was startled to see his face was red and blotchy, streaked with tears. I had never seen Jace cry before and pretended not to notice.

I made a strong effort to smile. So far my efforts to keep myself busy were unsuccessful. I stacked the pancakes on a plate and held them out to Jace. "Want some?" I asked in a falsely cheerful voice. He looked like he wanted to puke. I picked up one and took a big bite.

"Mhm, not bad." I said. Boy am I an amazing cook. Jace frowned and threw up on my high heels. My _new _high heels.

"I`m not hungry." He muttered as he rinsed out his mouth at the sink.

"Obviously," I said as he headed to his room. "And by the way, you owe for those heels. They were new!"

**Jace`s POV**

Jace sprawled down on the bed, ignoring Izzy. He had never been more tired. As he changed into his pajamas he paused to stare at his arms. They were marked with several more small cuts. He flopped down on the bed, not at all hungry. Jace knew he would never feel hungry again. And he cried himself to sleep.

**So sad please take the time to review.**


	3. Chapter 3: what comes up must come down

**Chapter 3: What Goes Down Must Come Up**

**Thank-you for reviewing! I`m sorry about making the chapters so short. I only planned to make the first chapter that way, plus it looks a lot smaller once you upload the file. Anyway I`ll try to make this one longer. Keep the reviews coming!**

**Jace`s POV**

I sat up sleepily, and looked at my alarm clock wishing I could somehow blow it up just by staring at it. I seriously wonder if alarm clocks are some sort of demon. I dragged myself out of bed, grabbed some clean clothes, and stumbled into my bathroom. I stared at myself in the mirror. I looked terrible. My pajamas were soaked in sweat. There were dark shadows under my eyes and my curly blond hair stuck up in fifty different directions. I winced as I peeled of my t-shirt and stared at my cuts. Long dark red lines covered my arms and chest, along with the thin white scars that were on all shadowhunters. I hadn`t eaten for only 5 days, but I already looked slightly thinner. I quickly changed into clean clothes, ran a comb through my messy hair, brushed my teeth and headed downstairs.

**TMITMITMITMI**

**Maryse`s POV**

Jace walked into the kitchen as I finished making toast. Isabelle glanced at him and smirked.

"Nice shirt Jace, little out of season though, it`s July." She pointed at his long-sleeved navy blue shirt. To my surprise Jace glared at her and sat down at the table. I push a plate of buttered toast in front of him. He looked down at his breakfast in disgust.

"I`m not hungry," Jace mumbled for the millionth time and started to get up.

"Oh no you don`t," I said firmly. "You have been skipping breakfast for the past few days and I won`t take that excuse. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Eat."

Jace shook his head and pushed back his plate. I sighed, worried. He looked as if he`d lost weight and had been spending a lot of time in his room lately.

"Eat," I repeated in a more dangerous tone. He shrugged and picked up a slice of toast and stared at it with a slightly nauseated expression. Jace took a bite chewed and swallowed a blank look on his face. He slowly finished eating his food and got up to leave.

I smiled at him. "That wasn`t so hard, was it?"

**TMITMITMITMI**

**Jace`s POV**

It was hard. In my eyes, the food she made me eat wasn`t food. Food was supposed to be surrounded by Max`s childish giggle, the big mess he`d make playing with his food, the devious grin on his face as he slipped his peas under his plate. Without that food was nothing. Bland, tasteless, it was like eating cardboard. That`s why when I reached my room and I went into my bathroom and locked the door, I bent over the toilet, I shoved my finger down my throat and brought it all up.

**Please review and tell me what you think.**


	4. Chapter 4 tirinbg training

**Chapter 4: Tiring Training**

**Thanks for reviewing! All characters belong to Cassandra Clare.**

**Alec`s POV**

My arrow landed right in the heart of the dummy I was shooting at, just as someone came in. I glanced up and saw Jace, to my surprise, wearing jeans and a black long sleeve shirt. Why wasn`t he in gear to train?

Jace began to stretch. "Are you going to train in that?" I asked and pointed to his clothes.

"Yeah, problem?" He replied moodily.

"Nope," I said quickly. "I just figured you`d be in gear to train."

Jace shrugged as he grabbed a dagger. "All of my gear is dirty and I`m too lazy to do my laundry."

"Oh," I mumbled as I grabbed another arrow and fitted it into my bow. I aimed and shot at a different target. I landed inches away from the bulls eye.

"Nice job," Jace said. His hand seemed to shake slightly as he gripped the hilt of the dagger tightly. He threw it, aiming for the dummy on the other side of the room. It landed on the floor a few feet away from him.

I raised an eyebrow, amused. "What was that?"

Jace turned bright red. "Just a bad throw." He replied. Jace grabbed a knife and tossed it. It landed farther away from the target than his last throw.

"I`m not feeling that well," Jace admitted. "I think I`ll just go on the beam instead, practice some flips, take it easy."

"Are you sure," I asked, my voice full of concern. Jace was not himself today. "If you`re sick maybe you shouldn`t be training at all."

"I`m fine," He replied as he climbed up onto the beam with a lot of effort. "I haven`t trained at all this week that`s probably why I`m not doing so well."

"`Kay. Want me to spot you?" I asked.

"No I`m good." Jace said as he fastened the cord around his waist to keep him from falling as he flipped. I picked up another arrow and aimed at the target, but continued to watch Jace. He stood up and walked down the beam, wobbling slightly. I shot the arrow at a dummy, hitting its stomach, as Jace jumped of the beam and did a sloppy flip. He landed on the floor and struggled to get up. Jace finally stood up and got back on the beam. I stared at him as he stood up and staggered down the beam. Jace bent his knees, and leaped into the air, falling so fast he couldn`t even try to flip. I ran under Jace and caught him in my arms before he hit the floor. I gasped, surprised at how much lighter he was. I gently sat him down on the floor and he coughed weakly. His gold eyes stared at me blankly.

"You okay?" I asked as he tried to get up. I held out my hand to him and he gripped it tightly as I pulled him up.

"Are you alright," I asked him again. He didn`t reply. Jace let go of my hand, ran over to the trash can, bent over, and began to retch uncontrollably. I ran to his side. He continued to gag, but nothing but stomach acid came up.

"Are you okay, Jace?" I asked for the millionth time as I handed him my water bottle.

Jace rinsed out his mouth, not even commenting on the fact that my mouth had been that bottle. "I`m fine," He replied. "I must have just trained a bit too hard today." He handed me back my water bottle (which I no longer wanted), and left.

**Jace`s POV**

I went back to my room and collapsed on my bed. I glanced at the photograph of Max on my bedside table and was filled with shame. If my little brother would have seen me train today he would have laughed. He would have been ashamed to see being so weak. I couldn`t act that way anymore. No more being weak for me, I have to be strong for Max. So I took out my dagger from under my pillow. I began to cut my arms, my legs, and my chest. Soon bright red liquid was spilling out the fresh wounds staining my sheets and clothes. I wiped the dagger off with my blanket and put back under my pillow and fell asleep, to tired to stop the bleeding and change my clothes and the sheets.

**Fan: "I can`t wait till the next chapter! Eeeeek!"**

**Maia: "Patience grasshopper, good things come to those who wait."**

**Simon: "Really? I always thought it was good things come to those who review this** **chapter. Oh well, make sure you review anyway."**

**(this is from the end of City of Glass)**


	5. Chapter 5: sleep scare

**Chapter 5: Sleep Scare**

**Thank-you for reviewing! I`m sorry to say this week I have archery camp and will have a hard time updating. But lucky for you, it`s not a sleep away camp so I will be able to update. All characters belong to Cassandra Clare.**

**Isabelle`s POV**

I secured a shiny silver ribbon at the end of my long, jet-black braid. I stared at myself in the mirror. I was wearing a silky pale blue dress that reached my knees. My long dark hair was braided neatly down my back and looked lovely with the ribbon. All I needed was some shoes and a bit of makeup before we could out to Pandemonium and kick some demon butt. Before I finish my look however, I should probably go tell Jace to get ready. I tiptoed down the hall and went into his room. I saw Jace, and then I screamed.

**TMITMITMITMITMITMI**

**Jace`s POV**

I groggily opened my eyes at the sound of a high pitched scream. Isabelle was standing in front of me in a beautiful blue dress and looked like she was about to cry.

"Whass wrong?" I mumbled sleepily.

"L-l-look at y-y-you," My sister said shakily, pointing at me. I stared down at myself and was surprised. My sheets and clothes were covered it dried blood. My arms, face, and hair were bloody as well. I probably should have stopped the bleeding before I went to sleep. I still didn`t know I`d bleed this much.

"I must have just had a nosebleed when I was asleep Izzy. I`m okay." I lied.

She sucked in her breath. "Okay. I guess it just scared me a bit. You looked as if you had been stabbed or something. Anyway, you me and Alec are going to Pandemonium soon. Clary can`t come because she has a dentist appointment. I just want you to get ready. Unless you want to knock out all the mundanes, you should probably take a shower." Isabelle wrinkled her nose in disgust and I glared at her.

"They say honesty is the best policy." My sister said with a smirk and left.

I suppose I have to agree with Isabelle. I hadn`t showered after training yesterday, and on top of the smell of the blood and the fact that I haven`t brushed my teeth or put on deodorant yet, I suppose a Raum demon smelled better than me. After brushing teeth I stripped of my bloody clothes. I was probably going to have to throw them away along with my sheets. The only thing that wasn`t stained with blood was my underwear. I turned on the water and stepped into the shower, letting out a soft whimper as the hot water stung my injuries. I gently scrubbed the blood off my skin and hair, stepped out, toweled myself dry and rubbed on some deoderent. I pulled on a clean pair of boxers and tried to put on my shadowhunter gear. I had really lost weight. My shirt was several sizes too big and my pants couldn`t even stay up. Luckily I had saved some of my old clothes for Max to grow into. I pushed the painful thought out of my head as I pulled out some of my gear from when I 15. They fit perfectly. It grabbed a couple weapons and I met Isabelle and Alec at the front of the Institute.

"Let`s go." Alec said.

If training was that difficult, I was almost scared of hunting demons.

**Please review.**


	6. Chapter 6:downwiththedemons

**Chapter 5: Down With The Demons**

**Thank you all for the reviews! All characters belong to Cassandra Clare.**

**Isabelle`s POV**

We entered the club through the back door. Jace and Alec glamoured themselves while I scanned the crowd for the demon. I suddenly spotted the demon, glamoured so he appeared to be a tall teenage boy with pale blue eyes and long greasy black hair.

"There he is," I said, pointing at the demon. Jace and Alec turned their attention to me. I noticed that Jace was wearing a grey long-sleeved shirt under the short-sleeved leather shirt that was part of his gear. Weird, he had been wearing long sleeves a lot lately. He was leaning up against the wall and looked slightly nauseous.

"Jace are you okay?" I asked, concerned.

He took a deep breath and nodded.

"He`s coming towards us Izzy do your thing," Alec told me. My brother and Jace walked away and the demon stopped in front of me.

I smiled sweetly at the monster. "Hi, I`m Isabelle."

**Jace`s POV **

I leaned against the wall, trying my best not throw up or pass out. Going here tonight was definitely not a good idea, especially knowing how badly I had trained yesterday. Alec and I kept our eyes on the storage closet, waiting for Isabelle to lure the demon in their so we could enter and fight.

"Now," Alec said, as the two went into the closet, closing the door behind them. We made our way over to the closet, and I hung behind by several feet, feeling weak and tired. I think I must be coming down with flu of something. I opened my mouth to say something to my parabatai, but changed my mind. We had already gotten this far, might as well go on and get it over with. I opened the door, and me and Alec entered.

**Alec`s POV**

Jace and I came in just as Isabelle removed her gloves and showed him her Voyance rune by punching his face. He stumbled back from the force and I laughed. That was a big mistake. The demon growled and tackled me to the ground. Jace stumbled over and stabbed it. The demon disappeared right before my eyes. Isabelle helped me up.

"Thanks," I said to Jace.

He nodded, panting. Jace looked way to winded from killing just one demon. He looked a lot thinner than usual. I saw two ravener demons come up behind him and my sister. Isabelle tossed a dagger and killed one of them. Out of the corner over my eyes I saw Jace spin around to face the demon behind him and suddenly collapsed. I pulled back my bow and killed the demon, the first demon I had ever killed yet it didn`t seem to matter. Izzy and I ran over to Jace.

"He`s breathing," Isabelle told me. "He probably just hit his head on something."

She slapped Jace`s face hard.

"Izzy!" I exclaimed, appalled.

"What I was just trying to wake him up." She said with a shrug.

I gently scooped him up in my arms and we portaled back into the institute. I laid him down on a bed in the infirmary. And we waited for him to wake up.

**Jace`s POV**

I peeled open my eyes at stared at the ceiling of the infirmary. I sat up and saw Alec and Isabelle staring at me, looking concerned.

"Are you okay?" Isabelle asked me.

"Yeah. What happened?" I said sleepily.

"You were fighting a demon and passed out, we think you must have hit your head on something." Alec told me.

"Oh yeah I remember now," I lied.

"Oh Jace, by the way, you have a date with Clary in an hour, so you might want to get ready." Alec added.

Isabelle stared at me. "And believe me, your definitely going to need an hour."

**Review! Also I`m leaving to visit my family in Missouri on Monday so I`ll not have a lot of time to update but will try my best.**


	7. Chapter 7:date discovery

**Chapter 7: Date Discovery**

**Thank-you for all the reviews! All characters belong to Cassandra Clare.**

**Jace`s POV**

Oh, crap. I had totally forgotten I had a date with Clary. Only seconds after Alec reminded me I jumped out of bed, ran to my room, stripped off my clothes and hopped into the shower. I quickly scrubbed off the sweat and ichor from my body before getting out and drying off. I wrapped a towel around my waist and dug through my drawers of old clothes. Finally I found a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved dark green shirt that fit me. I got dressed, looked at myself in the mirror, and was surprised to see that I had grown a little beard. I considered letting it grow just to annoy Clary. I ended up shaving it off, since Clary kinda scary when she`s angry. I ran a comb through my wet blond hair, pull on my shoes and rushed out the door.

**Clary`s POV**

I met up with Jace outside of Taki`s. His face immediately broke into a huge grin and the sight of me.

"Hey," Jace said, wrapping his arms around me and bending down to give me a kiss. I wound my fingers through his curly hair and it seemed to be thinner than usual. As I removed my finger from his hair I was startled to see a small clump had fallen into my hand. I stared at it, confused, but forgot about it as I slipped my hands under his shirt and began to trace the scars from all the marks he`s had over the years. He winced and pulled back, gasping.

"What`s wrong?" I asked, concerned.

"I injured myself while demon hunting a couple days ago. I guess I`m still a little sore." Jace replied with a shrug.

"Oh," I said. He took my hand and we entered the restaurant. By the time we sat down at the table, Jace was out of breath. I was really started to worry about him. Something was going on. Kaelie came over and we ordered the usual.

"So Clary, how was the dentist?" Jace asked me.

"Awful, I hate the dentist." I replied. "They talk to me like I`m 3 years old and the toothbrush that they use sounds like nails on a chalkboard." I shivered.

"Yeah you and me both. I`ve always hated the dentist. I really wish they knew that I`m a trained shadowhunter that could easily knock them out." He said. I laughed. Knowing Jace, if it weren`t for the covenant, he would. Kaelie returned with our food. Jace quickly ate and left to use the restroom. After awhile he hadn`t returned. I started to worry that he may have ran into a demon or something. Despite the idea of demons lurking around in the mens` room, just waiting to attack, was ridiculous I got up and went to check on him, not caring that people stared at me as I entered the _boys_ bathroom. I saw Jace`s shoes under one of the stalls and heard him gag. Without hesitation, I pulled out my stele and drew an opening on the stall door and it flew open. I stared in shock at the sight of Jace bent over the toilet, shoving his finger down his throat.

"Jace,"I said. "What the hell are you doing?"

He turned around and stared at me, "I um-"

I cut him off. "You have an eating disorder Jace I`m not stupid. I`ve seen plenty of people at St. Xavier's go through this. Don`t you see what you`re doing to yourself! You`re going to die, by the Angel you are already so weak, you`ve lost so much weight, you`re hair is even falling out cause you`re not eating." I took a deep breath and send a text to the others to meet me at the institute. I made a portal in the wall and held out my hand to him. "C`mon were going to the institute. The others need to know about this."

Jace shook his head. "No Clary please, I`m fine."

I sighed. "I love you Jace, and you`re coming anyway. Whether you are willing or not." I scooped him up in my arms. Jace began to kick and flail his arms in protest. He looked like a toddler having a tantrum.

I glared at him. "Jace chill." I ordered in a deadly tone. He immediately went still and I stepped through the portal.

**Please review.**


	8. Chapter 8: Why?

** Chapter: 8**

**Thank-you for all the reviews! They make my day! All characters belong to Cassandra Clare.**

**Simon`s POV**

I arrived at the institute, which I could now enter, as soon as Clary had texted. Maryse, Robert, Alec, Magnus, Isabelle, Maia, Jordan, Luke and Jocelyn were their as well. I knew something was seriously wrong. Finally Clary stepped through the portal carrying Jace in her arms.

"What`s wrong?" Isabelle asked softly. "He`s not bleeding or anything."

"Well," Clary began and sat Jace on the floor. That was a big mistake. He immediately got up and scrambled for the door.

"Simon!" She exclaimed. I had been friends with Clary for a long time, and I knew what she meant. I knew I would never be able to catch up to him, even with my vampire speed. Yet to my surprise I easily reached Jace, placed my hands on his shoulders, and pinned him against the wall. He let out a small gasp of pain. Either he was weaker then usual, or I`m suddenly a really good athlete.

Alec broke the silence. "What`s wrong, Clary?"

I suddenly noticed how sad she looked. "Jace and I just got back from at date at Taki`s. After we ate he went to use the bathroom. He didn`t come back after a while, and I worried that he may had run into a demon or something, and a I saw him-"

Jace began to struggle in my firm grasp. His eyes had gone completely black. "Please," He whispered, "don`t."

Clary sighed and shook her head. "I saw Jace putting his finger down his throat, trying to make himself throw up. I don`t thing he has eaten in a while, I can tell he`s lost weight. I really think he needs some help. I love Jace and I don`t want him to die."

How could he had done something like this? Jace, the annoying yet strong, brave shadowhunter. He may be a pain sometimes, but he was a friend and I didn`t want to loose him. In my surprise, I loosened my grip on Jace, and he headed towards the door. Alec immediately placed his hands on his brother`s chest, and shoved him against the wall before he could escape. Jace let out a loud yelp of pain.

Alec looked concerned. "What`s wrong?" Jace stared at his shoes, and didn`t respond. Luke calmly rolled up Jace`s sleeves. Long dark red lines covered his arms. Luke swore softly and gently pulled off Jace`s shirt. There were more cuts all over his chest and stomach.

Luke sighed. "Jace, what have you done?"

"Nothing," He mumbled. "A demon just injured me."

Alec shook his head. "I`m not stupid."

Isabelle looked like she was trying not to cry. "Oh my gosh, why did you do this to yourself? Are there even more?" Her voice shook.

"I`m fine it was just a demon," Jace repeated.

Maia suddenly kicked him in the shins, hard. He moaned in pained and turned white as a sheet. Jocelyn`s eyes widened and she grabbed a trash bin and handed to Jace. He bent over and threw up. Magnus snapped his fingers and a glass of water appeared, Jace picked it up and took a sip. "What was that for?"

"To prove it," Maia said calmly. "I know you`re harming yourself. The Jace I know wouldn`t find a kick in the shins so painful that it makes him sick. You`re hurting yourself, and you need to stop."

"I`m fine," Jace snapped. "And why do you even care?"

"If you`re fine," Jordan said quietly. He pulled down Jace`s jeans. "Than what are these?"

I gasped in horror. Jace clearly had lost a lot of weight. His arms, legs and chest were covered in hideous dark red cuts. He was now in nothing but his underwear but hardly seemed to care. He looked like he was trying really hard not to cry. I had never seen Jace so... broken.

Maryse finally spoke. "Why?"

And that`s when Jace broke down.

**(laughs evilly) Another cliffhanger! Anyway please review.**


	9. Chapter 9: Stay Strong

Chapter** 9: Stay Strong**

**Thanks for all the lovely reviews! Sadly the characters belong to Cassandra Clare, not me.**

**Luke`s POV**

Jace had his face in his hands, and I gently rubbed his back as he sobbed. I never thought I would ever see him cry, and now I was wondering if he would ever stop.

Jace finally sat up. "Max," His voice cracked as he spoke.

"What about Max?" Isabelle asked me.

"Max," Jace repeated. "The reason I cut myself was because his death was my fault. I had never liked Sebastian, but I should have realized. I should have killed him before he got to my little brother." He sighed. "Max is the reason I didn`t eat and made myself puke if I did. Food seems different, wrong. What I eat is supposed to be surrounded by Max`s laugh, the mess he`d make playing with his food, the little grin on his face before he hid peas under his plate. Without that, it`s just not food anymore." I swore I could hear my heart break as Jace finished. I rubbed my eyes and realized that I, like everyone else was in tears.

"Jace," Alec said in disbelief. "How could you ever think that? There is nothing you could have done to save Max. Sebastian is strong, if you tried to kill him he would have probably killed you. The only person responsible for his death is Sebastian."

I suddenly was alarmed to see that Jace had a dreamy, unfocused look in his eyes. "Jace, are you okay?"

**And that's the end of this chapter... just kidding! (sorry, I just had to do that)**

**Jace`s POV**

"I`m not sure," I mumbled in a slurred voice.

Robert looked scared. "Jace, when did you last eat anything?" He asked.

"I-I don`t know," I whimpered. I saw Jocelyn whisper something to Magnus, who took out his cell phone and texted someone. Simon walked over to me.

"Jace, we`re going to take you to the infirmary, do you think you can walk?" Simon asked.

I shook my head. He helped me stand up, and I leaned on him. My head was spinning and Simon was the only thing that kept me from falling over. We took a few steps toward the infirmary before he stopped and scooped me up in his arms like I weighed nothing.

"Jace," Simon whispered suddenly. He looked down at me with his brown eyes. "Stay strong, okay?"

I nodded my head weakly, and everything went black.

**Please don`t kill me but another cliffhanger! Muahahahahaha I`m also sorry it`s so short, it just seemed like the right place to end the chapter(and torture y`all with another cliffy)Please review, and maybe I`ll stop doing cliffhangers... bazinga!**


	10. Chapter 10:alive

**Chapter 10: Finally**

**Thanks for all the reviews! I`ll try not to do a cliffy this chapter snce I`m pretty sure y`all want to kill cause of all the cliffhangers I`ve been doing lately. All characters belong to Cassandra Clare.**

**Jace`s POV **

I opened my eyes, freeing myself from the dreams that had tormented me endlessly. Dreams of saddeness, pain, grief, and violence. Dreams were I cried out but no one could hear me. Dreams were I was alone in the world.

"Finally, you`re awake," Maia said. Her voice was filled with her usual sarcasm but I could hear relief in it as well. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," I replied. "How long have I been out?"

"Eight days," She said as I tried to sit up. "Stay still, give me a second." Maia unhooked the IV from my arm and removed the tube from my nose. I hadn`t even noticed either of them were there.

"Thanks," I told her as I sat up.

"Don`t thank me," Maia said. "Thank the female warlock that saved you. She`s a friend of Jocelyn`s." She placed some clothes in my lap. "You might wanna put those on," She added. I was suddenly conscious of the fact that I was wearing nothing and was grateful for the thin sheet that covered me. Maia stood beside me as if she expected me to get dressed in front of her. I quickly wiggled into the underwear and short she gave me under the sheets and pulled on the shirt. I stood up, surprised at how much stronger I felt. Maia took my hand and led me to the kitchen. Everyone was sitting at the table.

Isabelle smiled. "You`re awake Jace? Thank god, we were so worried."

"God Jace, you scared me to death when you passed out like that," Simon said. "I thought you were gonna die right in my arms."

I suddenly remembered him helping get to the infirmary, tell my to stay strong. "Thanks Simon for helping me." I told him.

"No problem," Simon said, patting the empty seat next to him. "I save you a seat between me and Clary."

I sat down and at my plate of food anxiously. Buttery mashed potatoes, grilled chicken, and salad with Maryse`s special dressing sat in front of me. Normally the sight would have made my mouth water but now the thought of eating all that made feel like throwing up.

Robert saw the expression on my face. "Don`t worry Jace," He told me. "You don`t have to eat all of that. You haven`t eaten in a long time so you should probably let yourself get used to it."

I nodded and ate about 1/4 of my food before I got up to go bring it up again. There was no way I was actually gonna eat.

"Just were do you think you`re going you are going young man?" Maryse asked me.

"Uh, bathroom," I replied.

"Alec?" Clary said nodding at him.

He got up and took my hand. "Let`s go."

"What?" I asked confused.

"We`re not dumb, Jace," Jordan said. "We know you are gonna make yourself throw up or cut yourself, if we ever leave you alone. So from now on you`ll be supervised at all times."

Great, I thought to myself irritably as Alec walked me to the restroom. Other than making myself puke, I also had other business I needed to do. And although parabatai were closer than brothers, we certainly weren`t _this _close. We went into the restroom and I just stood there, hoping Alec would leave.

"Jace, aren`t you going to do anything?" Alec asked.

"Not with you in here." I replied.

He just gave me a lazy, I-not-leaving-look. I sighed and quickly turned around, unbuttoned my jeans and relieved myself, feeling incredibly awkward. Alec walked me back to the table and sat down and continued eating.

"I`m, uh finished with my food," I said.

Isabelle got up. "Do you want me to take you to your room?" She asked.

I nodded, feeling like I was five years old again. Izzy walked me down to my room and I immediately looked around and saw that all my weapons were gone.

"Where did they go?" I asked as I searched for my stele. I couldn't find that either.

"What?" she asked.

"My weapons, my stele, my pencils." I said. Those were all important to me, even the pencils since although I`m not at good artist I like to doodle sometimes.

"We took them away so you can`t hurt yourself." Isabelle told me. "You`re also no longer allowed in the training and weapons room."

I sat down on my bed and put my face in my hands. Weapons, for me, meant everything. They were like toys and I had even slept with a wooden sword till I was 5 years old. I found fighting to be relaxing. And now my weapons and stele were gone. I may have lived, but I didn`t feel like it.

**Sorry that was so depressing. I promise some Clace fluff next chapter. Please review.**


	11. Chapter 11: Iris

**Chapter 11: Iris**

**All characters belong to Cassandra Clare.**

**Jace`s POV**

_When I saw my family crying over my dead brother, I felt my chest tighten and tears stung at the back of my eyes. I reached out to touch Max, but an invisible wall separated us. Suddenly, a spirit that looked like my brother came out of him. The only difference between it and Max was the spirits glowing red eyes, like a demon._

_"Why!" Demon-Max wailed. "Why did you let Sebastian kill me? I trusted you, Jace! I thought you would protect me! You were supposed to!"_

_"I`m sorry, I`m sorry," I said and reached out to touch Max. The invisible barrier still held. "Max, please, I need to be with you, I love you."_

_Demon-Max shook his head. "Stop Jace haven`t you done enough?..."_

I woke up, soaked in sweat in tears. Clary was asleep next to me. Ever since I had passed out I had had to have people by side at all times.

She opened her eyes. "Whassa matter?" She asked sleepily. My girlfriend suddenly noticed that I was crying. "Oh, Jace," Clary said softly, now wide awake. "What`s wrong?"

"I-I had a dream," I said, now sobbing. "I couldn`t g-get near Max. His ghost t-told me it was my fault." I told her shakily. Clary wrapped her arms around me, pulled me closer, and gently rubbed my back.

"Shh, Jace, it was just a dream." She told me as I continued to cry.

"And I`d give up forever to touch you, `cause I know that you`d feel me somehow, you`re the closest to heaven that I`ll ever be, and I don`t want to go home right now." Clary sang sweetly, and I stopped crying. We were both big Goo Goo Dolls fans and she knew this was one of my favorites. She continued to sing. I snuggled closer to her, and fell asleep in Clary`s arms.

**And there is the Clace fluff you have all been begging for! I`d like to give a shout out to Mermaid12108, who suggested I use this song. I`d also like to give a shout out to MrsTateLangdon, and all the other Goo Goo Dolls fans out there, like me! Toodaloo!**


	12. Chapter 12: Someday

**Chapter 12: Someday**

**Thank-you for all the nice reviews! All characters belong to Cassandra Clare.**

**Jace`s POV**

I sat down in the library. I could hardly concentrate on what I was reading and Jocelyn watching me the entire time was not helping. Ever since they had found out what I had been doing to myself, I hadn`t been allowed to be alone. I wasn't even allowed to shower or use the restroom without someone watching me to make sure it didn`t cut or try to make myself puke, which was pretty awkward.

"Jace," Jocelyn said suddenly, looking at her watch. "I think it`s time for your appointment."

I nodded sleepily and. I hardly got any rest these days due to the nightmares about Max that tormented each night. Jocelyn took my hand and led me down the hall to a room. In the room a fat man with huge mustache sat at a desk. I sat down and Jocelyn left to go wait ouside the door.

"Hi I`m Dr. Tucker, You therapist," As he spoke, his many chins jiggled. That would have made Max giggle.

"Hi Mr Tucker, I`m Jace Lightwood," I replied, wanting to call him a very rude nickname I`d came up with that rhymed with tucker.

"So Jace," Mr. Tucker asked. "why have you been cutting yourself and making yourself throw up after you eating?"

I rolled my eyes. "Because it`s my fault that Max died."

He sighed. "Why would think that it`s your fault if you weren`t the one who killed him?"

"Because I should have realized that who Sebastian really was," I told him.

"But nobody else realized who he was either," Mr. Tucker said. "Why don`t you blame them?"

"Because," I snapped. "He looked up to me. I was his favorite brother and I`m the one who should be protecting him."

"But Jace-" he began.

"No!" I shouted and stood up. "I don`t need your help! You don`t get it! Just stay out of my life!" I ran down to my room and laid down on my bed, and began to cry. I cried because nobody understood, because I was tired of feeling so sad, because my little brother was gone and I wished I was too. I heard someone walk in and sit on my bed. I sat up and saw that it was Jocelyn. She pulled me into a hug and I sobbed into her shirt.

"Jace," Jocelyn said softly. "Don`t cry. I understand what your going through. I felt the same way when Jonathon was born. And I still feel like a terrible person sometimes for giving birth to him. And Jace, you will feel better someday. Someday you`ll find the right doctor to talk to and it will happen. Just don`t give up yet."

She let go of me and I was slightly embarrassed to when I noticed that her T-shirt was soaked with my tears.

"Lie down," Jocelyn said gently and patted her lap. I laid down and rested my head on her lap. Jocelyn began to sing, and stroke my hair and before I knew I was asleep. For a change, I actually dreamed happy things.

**Please review. Also I should warn y`all that the end is coming soon.**


	13. Chapter 13: Deadly Forgivness

**Chapter 13 :Deadly Forgivness **

**Thank you for the reviews! Sorry for the wait, I`ve been very busy with school.**

**Jace`s POV**

_Demon-Max glared at me with red eyes. My family stood around him, their eyes accusing and unforgiving._

_"Why?" Demon-Max wailed. "How could you have let me die? I thought you would have been there for me instead of this silly toy." He grabbed the tiny soldier out of his pocket dropped it on the ground and smashed it to little pieces. "I thought you loved me."_

_"B-but I do, Max," I stammered, and my lip began to tremble._

_"You killed my own son," Marsye spat. "I should have thrown you out when I had the chance."_

_"You almost killed me when we fought that greater demon, would have rather died than to have to lived with you," Alec hissed._

_"We never loved you," Izzy said._

_"Clary always loved me, not you." Simon told me. As if to prove it was true Clary wrapped her arms around him and they began kissing._

_"Please forgive me, I`ll do anything!" I begged. _

_"I will," Demon-Max said, smiling devilishy. "All you have to do is join me. Jace, I will forgive you if you die."_

I woke up, shivering despite the covers. I looked down and noticed that Alec`s arms and legs were wrapped around my body. This is why I hated sharing a bed with him. I suppose even though he loved Magnus now some part of him still liked me and Alec always ended up spooning me in his sleep. Talk about awkward. I tried to pry his limbs off me but he just tightened his grip on me and pulled me closer to him. I would have kicked Alec in the nuts in an attempt to make him let go of me, but I didn`t want him to wake up and see what I was about to do, so I sucked in my breath and wiggled out off his grasp. Thankfully Alec was a heavy sleeper and instead of waking up he rolled over and mumbled sleepily, "Oh Magnus, you magnificent beast."**(got that from the big bang theory)**

Gross. I finally got up and put a hand to my face, and was not surprised that it was wet. I went into the bathroom and stared in the mirror. The boy I saw I didn`t know. The boy I looked at in the mirror`s pajamas hung loosely on his thin frame. The boy I look at has cried more times than any boy his age and had stopped caring a long time ago. The boy in the mirror woke up in tears and even occasionally wet the bed because of the horrible nightmares that tormented him every time he closed his eyes. The boy in front of me was treated like a toddler; never left out of sight. The boy I stared at, as soon as he figured out he couldn`t make himself throw up anymore, would kick and scream when made to eat until someone either gave him a feeding tube or forced the food down his throat. The boy I saw in front of me was responsible for his little brother`s death and would doing anything to be forgiven. But I was that boy, so I climbed into the bathtub, laid facedown, turned on the water and everything went black.

**Alec`s POV**

I woke to the sound of water running. The first thing I noticed is that Jace was no longer in the bed. Panic washed over me and I ran into the bathroom. And I saw him.

Jace.

Floating face down in the bathtub. I scooped my parabatai out of the water and laid him down on his back. His eyes were closed, and his skin was as cold and white as marble. Jace`s tangled wet golden hair was plastered to his head and his lips were blue. I laid my head down on his chest and listened for the steady beat of his heart. There was nothing.

I began to breath hard and suddenly felt dizzy. No, he couldn`t be. I listened again. Silence.

"Everyone! Come quick! It`s Jace!" I screamed, voice cracking. "He`s gone." I began to cry. "Jace is gone."

**Sorry for the cliffhanger, don`t worry, this is not the end. Please review. **


	14. Chapter 14: Waiting

**Chapter 14: Waiting...**

**Thank-you for the reviews! Y`all are such sweet fans*bows and blows kisses*. I must confess I did consider having the last chapter being the end, but the thought of a crowd angry fans in my front yard with torches and pitchforks made me decide not to. All characters belong to Cassie Clare.**

**Clary`s POV**

When I heard Alec scream that Jace was gone I practically flew out of bed and ran to Jace`s room, my heart thudding. The others` were out of bed too. Jordan was wearing nothing but underwear, which in other circumstances would have been funny. Once we reached his room, we saw that the bed was empty and went into the bathroom. I nearly stopped breathing at the sight.

Alec was on his knees, crying his eyes out. There was blood on the t-shirt he was wearing, right where his parabatai rune was. Jace was beside him, unconscious. His wet blond hair was tangled and plastered to his forehead and his pajamas were also wet. His lips were blue and his skin was more pale than Simon`s. Jace`s eyes were closed. He could have been sleeping.

I went and knelt down by Jace and listened for his heart beat. "Is he dead?" I whimpered. Magnus sat down next to me and felt his pulse. The look on his face told me all I needed to know.

"No, no, no." Isabelle moaned. Jordan was on his knees, his face in his hands. Maia, Luke, Jocelyn, Maryse, and Robert looked shocked and upset. Suddenly Simon stepped forward and held up his hands to tell us to tell us to back off. He knelt down next to Jace.

"Anybody have a knife?" Simon asked. Magnus snapped his fingers and a knife appeared in his hands and he handed it to him. Simon cut open Jace`s t-shirt and pried open the shadowhunters mouth. He breathed in it twice and placed his palms right between Jace`s nipples and began to push down hard several times. After a few moments I suddenly realized through my shock and tears that he was trying to revive Jace. I saw Jocelyn pull out her phone and dial 911, and answer the phone in a shaky voice. Simon suddenly took his pulse and let out a sigh of relief.

"His heart is beating," He said. Jace`s eyes opened up but they were blank. Maryse knelt down by Jace and quickly turned him to the side as he coughed up a ton of water. As soon as soon as she sat him back down he passed out again but was still breathing.

"H-he`s breathing?" Maia asked, her voice full of relief. "He`s alive?"

Magnus nodded. "Barely Jordan, you should probably get dressed. I`m pretty sure you can`t go to the hospital in just your underwear."

Jordan quickly ran into Jace`s room and returned wearing some of his clothing and carrying a t-shirt. "Here," he said, handing the shirt to Alec. "You should put this on. You got blood on yours."

Alec looked up a him though puffy eyes and grabbed the shirt. He wordlessly stripped off his own and pulled on the t-shirt. We suddenly heard a siren, and we lifted up Jace and ran outside, since the EMTs were mundanes and were not allowed in the institute. As they took Jace away, I wondered if I would ever see him again.

**Jordan`s POV**

I sat on the couch in the waiting room of the hospital and bit my nails nervously, blinking back tears. I couldn`t help but blame myself. I was trained to sleep lightly and be ready and a moments notice. Yet I was asleep when Jace tried to drown himself. Sure he was alive now, but barely, and there was still a chance he wouldn`t pull through, and I`d be the one to blame. Everyone would hate me. I wouldn`t blame them. Maia, was curled up in a ball, asleep. She had her thumb in her mouth, something, although childish, I knew she only did when she was _really _upset. Robert, had been silent the entire time, but gripped Maryse`s hand so tightly his knuckles were white. Jocelyn looked close to tears, and Luke who looked shaken, had his arm around her. Alec was asleep, his head on Isabelle`s lap. His sister had cried with him, and gently stroked her brother`s hair as he slept. Simon had his face in his hands and was shaking slightly. Clary bit her lip and stared straight ahead. Magnus had a sad look on his face, like he`d seen this happen a million times.

A woman came in and after blinking a few times, the glamour fade away and saw the she was a warlock, and had bright blue skin. Everyone turned to look at her. Simon`s face was stained with tears and blood, since vampire tears were mixed with blood. A normal nurse would have freaked out and thought Simon was injured, but she didn`t seem to notice. I gently shook Maia awake and Izzy hesitated before waking Alec.

"First of all, Jace is alive." She said, and everyone sighed with relief. "But he is in a coma. We don`t know when he`s going to wake up or if he`s going to live. Since Jace is still extremely underweight, although he has gained some of it back since I last saw him, his body with have a more difficult time with this. He is not paralyzed thankfully, but he may have some brain damage. We can only hope. Would y`all like to see him?"

We all nodded.

**Alec`s POV**

I rubbed my eyes tiredly as I walked down the hall. The warlock paused at one door and put her hand on the knob. There were papers on a glass thing that had Jace`s name and information on it. I sucked in my breath as she opened the door. We all walked in and surrounded his bed.

Jace lay on the hospital bed, motionless. He was wearing a thin hospital gown instead of the sopping wet pajamas he had arrived in. Jace`s skin was as white a sheet, and he had dark shadows under his closed eyes. Tubes and wires were all over him. IVs pumped medicine into his veins and machines beeped and whirred. There was an oxygen mask on his face. That was what kept him alive.

Everyone was speechless. Clary carefully held one of his hands.

"It`s almost midnight," The nurse announced. "I`m sorry but you`ll have to go home and visit him tomarrow but one of you can stay the night."

"Could I?" I asked the others. They nodded. Clary let go of his hand and kissed his forehead before leaving along with the others. I grabbed the blue mat and pillow they provided, and put it down on the floor. I laid down, and by some miracle, fell asleep, waiting, just waiting for Jace to wake up.

**Sorry that took so long! Blame my teachers and the ridiculous amount of homework they have been giving me. Please review and go eat some mangos and tomato soup.**


	15. Chapter 15: Its All Right

**Chapter 14: It`s All Right**

**This is the last chapter you`ve all been waiting for. Sorry for the wait, I have also been writing a Jaia lemon(please check it out). Anyway thank-you for all them reviews! They brighten up my day. All characters belong to Cassandra Clare**

**Jace`s POV**

_I was in a white blank place, completely alone. I wore nothing but my underwear and a thin hospital gown, but I wasn`t cold. Is this heaven? Did I die? I wondered. __Suddenly, Max walked towards me he had big beautiful wings. His eyes were blue, not red, but he looked furious. I tensed, waiting for him to blame me for his death. _

_"Jace how could you blame me for your death? How could you do this to yourself?" Max demanded. I just stood there in surprise. "Why did you end your life just cause of me?" He stepped towards me and pushed me, hard. Max was really strong. I stumbled backwards._

_"I`m dead?" I whispered in disbelief. Although it was what I wanted I couldn`t believe it. My life was over just like that. I was only 17 years old._

_Max sighed. "For now." He told me. _

_My eyes widened. "What?"_

_"You didn`t deserve to die Jace, it wasn't your fault I died." He said glumly. "You just made a mistake, and it cost you your life. You were 17, and you have so much more life to live." He suddenly gave me a bone crushing hug. When Max pulled away he was crying. "Jace, since I`m now an angel, I have the ability to send you back." he hugged me once more. "Go home Jace, your family and friends need you, go home..."_

With great effort I pulled my eyes open. I heard the sound of machines beeping and whirring. I was now on an uncomfortable hospital bed and was cold in just a hospital gown and my boxers. Everyone was standing around my bed. I immediately pulled off the uncomfortable breathing mask and took several gulps of fresh air.

"Jace, are okay?" Clary asked.

"Never been been better," I whispered. "I`m sorry." I added

"For what?" Jordan asked.

"Putting you through all this, hurting myself, and hurting you." I replied.

"Jace, we forgive you, There isn`t anything we wouldn`t do for you." Isabelle said.

My hospital gown was halfway unbuttoned in the front and I noticed the big purplish bruises on my chest.

"Where did these come from." I pointed at the bruises.

"Me," Simon admitted. "After you tried to drown yourself I saved you using CPR. It`s common to get bruises from the chest compressions. **(I think I read that somewhere)**"

"Thanks," I said to Simon.

"Jace.' Alec asked. "Are you sure your okay?"

'"I am,' I told him. I really am."

**And that's the end to all of this. Make sure the review and check out that lemon I mentioned earlier. **


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